When I woke up, the new Noelle didn’t have much going for her except that she had survived the stroke. I lost feeling and many functions in my body when the hemorrhagic stroke happened to me. Doctors said if those sensations and functions returned, it would return very SLOWLY. They said as ‘slow as grass growing’ or as ‘slow as watching paint dry’. With a lot of prayer and hard work (and time), I was optimistically hoping for a full recovery.
Due to the fact that I lost so much feeling, walking was not immediately in the cards for me. Standing really wasn’t in the cards for me either. Along with my feeling, my sight was deeply impaired too. I was on a feeding tube and did not eat or drink anything. Another two senses down. I don’t say these things for sympathy, I am listing them off to illustrate the lack of senses.
Overtime, I found that regaining my feeling in my body was very slow. Almost, like watching paint dry. I lost most sensation in my arms and legs. One of my first physical therapy sessions, they pricked my arms to see where I could feel for an evaluation. It was a strain to feel any of the filament wires touching the skin on my arm.
During this time, my mother and I thought pedicures would be beneficial. I experienced a stroke, but I still needed to look good. We reasoned that the technicians massaged and stimulated our toes and feet. This helped to wake-up the nerves. We rationalized that our pedicures acted as part of my physical therapy. With our lighthearted philosophy and pretty toes, we justified a pedicure every month.
The art of walking was/is extremely challenging for me. From the hospital, I started out in a wheelchair, slowly worked my way up to a walker then to a rolator. I remember my dad asking to come with me on my walks but I told him no. I needed to walk by myself to focus on the mechanics of my walk. ‘My walks’ became physical therapy sessions. Walking was definitely a conscious activity for me as I re-learned to do it again. It was not a subconscious activity I could do easily.
Lose a Sense, Gain Another
When a sense is lost, another sense picks up the slack and becomes stronger. Personally, I experienced this first hand. My ears, which were not affected by the stroke, became incredibly sensitive. My hearing became was impeccable. I heard whispers in the next room. My ears perceived people ‘mouthing’ words. I could HEAR their lips moving. There were no secrets being told near me.
I remember one of my physical therapist tapped me on the shoulder during a session and I responded. He was elated and thought I felt the tap on my shoulder. Unfortunately, I broke the news to him that instead I ‘heard’ him tapping me on my shirt. I literally heard the material scrape as he tapped with his finger and nail. The sound was so minute. However, my sense of hearing honed in on it to alert me. The human body is absolutely amazing.
The Introduction of Mindfulness
One day, I walked out to the pool with my parents. I remember the beautiful, amazing and awe-inspiring moment that I felt when the sun light hit the skin on my forearm. It was the first time I felt it on my skin in years. Somehow, someway a nerve grew long enough to give me that incredible sensation that I had lost. What wonder this simple feeling inspired. Before the stroke, I always felt it and never realized what a miracle it was to feel warm sunlight on my skin. Mind blown.
I shared this experience with my therapist and she told me that this was a great lesson for me in mindfulness. Mindfulness. Another topic that grew while I was under my stroke-recovery rock. I remember leaving that session purposely to look up ‘mindfulness’. Whatever it was, I knew I experienced a lot of it. For months and years, I felt like the only thing my body could do was think. I experienced many first-time sensations again in my recovery.
What I found was that mindfulness is the state of being present. In being present, a person becomes aware of their personal thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations. From my stroke recovery, I experienced mindfulness not because I sought it, but because that’s all there was for me to do. Moments came where I could not do much of anything because my senses were so badly damaged.
Walking Consiously to Subconsciously
Another miracle I encountered with mindfulness was my walking going from a conscious to a subconscious effort. Eight years of practice and I just felt my walking become slightly subconscious. I am able to think of a ‘thought’ while walking. In the past, I completely focused only on my ‘walking’ otherwise I need my walker for assistance. About two days ago, I walked with something else on my mind other than walking. The thought of the act faded to the background just for a minute. I kept repeating in my mind ‘walk like the old Noelle, walk like the old Noelle.’ (See, she is not completely dead.)
And my toes? For the first pedicure – I felt absolutely nothing. I remember my mom helped me into the massage chair and the technician performed her work. She rubbed and massaged and I felt NOTHING. Eight years later – I felt EVERY tug, scrub, rub, polish and heated towel at my last pedicure. I even recoiled as the technician scrubbed hard on the bottom of my foot. I completely feel my feet today. At one point, I felt absolutely nothing. Was it the pedicures? Well, I am definitely in favor of pedicures as a form of therapy, just in case. It worked for me.
