Sometimes Father Knows Best
In true father form, my dad is full of fatherly advice. One of the best pieces of advice that I received from him was after my stroke. Simply put- always take the help when it is offered. Sounds uncomplicated. But this little thing called pride creeps up and often gets in the way. Humans tend to make everything complicated. Coming from dad, it was simple. Always take the help. This advice is true for anyone, especially someone with a deficit.
For those affected by disability, independence is vital. Having someone else complete a task for you creates a small feeling of dependency, especially for the fiercest independents. In some cases, relying on someone else often makes the world feel a little smaller for the disabled. It is as if help with a specific task states that you are not able to do it on your own. This isn’t true. It is not the truth, it is just a feeling.
When I was in a physical rehab, there was a car simulator in the facility that allowed patients to practice getting in and getting out of a car. Since the stroke, getting in or out of a car is a major ordeal for me. I have balance issues and my ataxia in my hands makes it very difficult for me to put my seatbelt in the latch. I can do all of these things by myself. It just takes TIME.
My dad hates seeing me struggle so he does these tasks for me. He holds the car door while I get into the car, clicks my seatbelt in, closes the door for me. I hate this as I feel like my father is saying he doesn’t think I can do it. But my father sees it as his daughter is battling and wants to relieve that issue. The truth is, he doesn’t want to see his daughter struggle. So, he helps. This took a long time for me to figure out and accept.
Take the Help
This might be against all physical therapy rules but I think back to what my dad said and I agree. Take the help when someone offers. If someone is standing there and wanting to hold your door- use that. If you’ve got someone sitting there trying to do your seatbelt for you- take that. If someone is willing to close the door for you- enjoy it. Take the help. There will be plenty of time and chances when someone is not there willing to do those things for you. You will have plenty of chances to prove your independence.
It is eight years post stroke and I am still struggling to get in and out of cars. And my advice still remains the same. Take the help when it is offered. There is no shame in the game when someone makes life a little bit easier for you. Not allowing them to help you is prideful. An abled body person is offering their help and wanting to assist you. Not only are you denying them the joy of helping, you are also making it harder on your self. It is a different story when help becomes expected.
Yes, you can probably do it on your own. But do you want to refuse the hand that is reaching out to you trying to kindly assist you? It is a different story when you consistently rely on other people to do for you what you can do for yourself. Dependency is an ugly look for most people.
No Apologies for Needing Help
I was at church last week when I came to a couple of stairs. A female stranger reached out her hand to assist me. I took the help and found myself saying ‘sorry’ under my breath to her as I contended with the stairs on her arm. As if God was speaking through her, she stopped walking and looked me in the eyes. She said there was no need to apologize for needing help. She made her point and then kept walking with me on her arm.
Humbly, I admit it. I needed some help down the stairs. My first reaction for needing her help? An apology. After hearing her words, I really felt relieved. I did not need to apologize for my disabilities and needing assistance. Instead, gratitude was in order. A simple ‘thank you’ would have been perfect. She was reaching out her hand to help. I needed to take the help and show gratitude for her kindness and willingness to help. Where would we be without kindness in this world?
I am going to revise my dad’s advice. When someone offers help, take it, but always remember to thank the person for their willingness to help. Instead of apologizing for the inconvenience of your need, offer gratefulness for their action. I am convinced we are here to love each other. One of the greatest ways for us to love is to be grateful for an individual and their offer of their time or help.
Take the help when it is offered. And remember, no need to apologize. Just give gratitude.
